If i fall

Emotion. Laboured breathing. Memory. Bittersweet. Loss. Gain. Down that lane... All the world's a stage and all men mere players. I must've butchered that. Shakespeare was mine, my fingertips knew him well. But its been so long now, the dryness of medicine has sucked that love out of me. Almost. My heart thuds in my chest for the some times in the middle of my surety that a rush of something less worthy pulses in my veins. All players, what do those do who play not? A non role. Play in its most mundane sense of games to win or lose. I cannot think straight. Why? Because i have desires. But i dont indulge in the games people play to get what they desire. Where is that going to lead me? This silk is so cool and smooth on my skin yet it feels like theres a river of tiny round pebbles underneath it, flowing in the opposite direction. Can you hear the soft sound of 's' it makes on it way, caressing my limbs. Silk is like that. It even flows while its still. At times my emotions are similar. Its okay to win and lose. But i dont seem to care. Im too blunt. I like names. I like to name every game i can. I can play. But i dont. It doesnt suit me and i dont suit it. That has something to do with having had enough of growing up in a home of strife and pain. Enough word mincing and careful torture to prove who won, who won. Round thee thousand. I cannot suffer insincerity. Playing in itself doesnt make people insincere. They just seem to become SO used to it that thay can never stop. Even when they come across a soul who they dont need to play with. Who isnt trying to this or that with them. What if you could step into the shoes of that person?
The one who goes through life just saying and doing what they feel. What they feel being in tune with their sense of spreading joy. Yes, im back to me again. It would feel something like this tumble of ideals, ideas:
You give and you give and you give yourself away. Make the world a happier place, one good deed at a time. Selflessness. Helping people when they dont even ask for it. The vast majority will not care or appreciate. But it is for you to judge whether putting yourself up for a lack of nourishment is worth that someone you will meet who will recognize you for who you tried to be for all these years, who will be your bridge over troubled water. Whether it is worth it for the satisfaction that you are the kind of person you can love. The former worth and the latter worth blend into my reason. Not selfish. Not selfless. I dont know. Some people are effected by nature. Some by silence. Some by their ambition. Some by music. Some by the people who surround them. I am that last. All the obsession and effect people have on me is my choice and inclination. I am best at that. It is what makes me me. The ease, laughter, companionship, love and sharing. My shoulder has been cried upon.

Through the years you drain, you gain. I drain, i gain. And then one day. Validation. And the joy of a lifetime. Both ways. Tears stream down my face because i write in the throes of throes. Imagine exuberance. Peace. Truth. Luck. Faith. Then imagine having it taken away inexplicably. I dont have the words. I pray that those moments in life that make one lose their sense of self never come my way. I am a vulnerable person. It is my strength that i chose to be so. I hope the world isnt cruel. I wont let it be if i can help it. And when i go the distance, i hope i wont have come to the crossroads that lead me away from innocence. Because honestly, i dont think its human to desire amnesia. To forget the perfection of love, of everything made to fit. Who are those fortunate few who find the one who reciprocates? Can a person give up? I dont want to be a person if thats what people are capable of.

I cant complain. I cant run away. I cant always make sense. I cant be incomplete. I cant flip a switch. I cant let anyone take my free will.

I can feel pity. I can cry. I can laugh. I can be successful. I can go. I can come. I can.

Its terrible how words are not enough. At times. Like right now. I need touch. I wish upon a star. If it falls, if i fall, catch me.