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I once spent a week in heaven with my guardian angel.
I don’t want my mom to die, no matter what.
After basking in this warmth, I now know why people are so afraid of growing cold.
Drops of sand through time and time again lead me to the promise of my past.
I once dreamt of the very first time my soul mate saw me. It was on a mountain side, in between the shade and the touch of the breeze.
It’s beautiful to admit that you cannot live without someone you love.
Emotions aren’t weaknesses.
I have been very very loved.
“I pray just before its dark. I pray that I can still meet you in your dreams.” There isn’t one time even, that I have not cried when I read this.
Everyone should have a beacon.
Taintedness invariably makes me think sad things.
I have a lot to thank the internet for.
I can never tire of Casablanca.
The thought of my loved ones never finding happiness makes me cry. Not because I can’t believe in life going on without happiness, but because I wish they could all find something precious.
Even if I’m forced to, I don’t get angry, just disappointed.
Knowledge and wisdom are not the same thing.
And I’m tired of the assumption that cynicism alone implies 'experience'.
I don’t understand how what people call ‘love’ is so conditional. To me, that isn’t love.
I cannot live without music, caring, liveliness, meaning and my people. And if I ever had to, it would be dark. And alone.
I like writing what I think about. Though I assume that is true for most people who write.
Having to lie to be accepted is the kiss of death for any relationship.
I am a lot less blasé than my other things imply.
I’m not sure I want to spend my life working for money that keeps me away from the people I would spend it on.
Being a good parent is truly one of the best things you can be.
Doing a good job with a career isn’t as important to me as the former.
My sister just said this, but it can be said many a time again. My mother is an angel.
Sleight of hand and twist of fate.
I’ve seen the living example of acceptance and generosity.
I don’t like pseudo intellectualism, extreme temperatures, conventionality, melodrama, apathy, hypocrisy or quantifying. And I sense them easily.
Having an un traditional family life made it easier for my siblings and I to be extraordinary.
And we also may be suffering from some abominable pride. Haha.
I never knew it was possible to be so comfortable with someone that within moments you feel you’ve known them for years.
It’s so blatant that the world is out to sell you, and make you feel desperate for anything you don’t have.
Stuff stuff stuff. Like a heated in door swimming pool and an iMAC.
Humera is my most endearing best of friends. The kind its always amazing to be as close to in a day as we were 10 years ago.
I was born in 1984 but I didn’t used to feel the presence of 'big brother' when I was young. That’s changed over the years.
Dyeing my hair and having my eyebrow pierced makes me feel cool.
One of my stories of success ends with : I love to look good. It doesn’t come to all of us effortlessly.
Muzna and I. Dosti has everything to do with a meeting of the minds. Not geography and history.
I have an exceptionally high emotional quotient. But just an upper middle class intelligence.
I’ve been told for years that I’d make a good psychiatrist. And a good best friend.
I’m bordering on intolerant with pushy religious people.
I really can’t stand the idea and connotations of the ‘hijab’. Though that’s quite apart from saying I don’t like any people in hijabs.
I am an ENFP (moderately Extrovert, totally Intuitive, moderately Feeling, slightly Perceiving). And I think the way my sister is crazy about this type of personality testing is adorable.
I can go on and on.
I've always had good fortune on my side.
Don't be fooled into the whole being nice and trusting is a bad thing nonsense.
On the other hand, its quite the balancing act to make sure you're not wasting pearls either.
I love to laugh!
My friends make fun of the loudness of my voice.
I used to be so ‘social’ at one point in college life that I couldn’t walk down a corridor without having to stop to chit chat with at least 5 different sets of people!
When i first met Fatma, we didn't stop praising each other for a long time. In fact, i believe we still are.
Oh and I made it on to some scandalous anonymous internet list of the most known people on campus. Ridiculous and amusing.
My blue eyed friend introduced me to a lot of wonderful people. Ill always want to thank him for that.
My brother and my ex both think I am like a 12 year old. Heh.
I don’t find anything creepy. It’s always just a matter of what it means within the situation.
I think perhaps people like my mom and I and my brother and my sister don’t have too much money because we’d give it all away to people we like, and to people who need it more than us. In which case we’d always be short anyway.
Arsala, Zoha and I were always 3 peas in a pod of cousiny goodness. Well, till we grew up too much.
I force my sweetheart to talk to me in Tamil every single day even though I don’t understand a single word. I think it is adorable.
I used to be an insane movie buff.
Speaking of buff, I don’t want to be shaped in any way similar to a sack of potatoes. I want to be able to run a few miles. Come on. At least. Can’t spend life huffing up stairs like I’m 60 instead of 24.
Sadiya and Sarah are two names that always pop into my head one after the other.
Rain is amazing. I can’t get enough of it. Ever. Some of the most romantic moments of my life, real and imagined, have been in the rain. And some of the most innocent and fun times of my childhood too.
My life would make an awesome bollywood bestseller!
I used to love the orkut testimonial thing.
I send my favourite songs to the people I think will hear them, like them and care that I bothered. I don’t want to be junk mail.
No worse sin than to hurt someone on purpose.
My first kiss was the beginning of love in the middle of the swaying palm trees.
Someone i considered one of my peoples had to eventually let me know that he honestly cares for me a lot less than i do for him. At least he was honest. But that was the beginning of a series of rude awakenings.
I notice symbolism.
I kiss my cat every few hours. He likes me :)
One of the movie moments i never forgot was Salieri at the end of Amadeus when he is in the mental asylum, on his wheel chair, gesturing to all the mad people, 'I forgive you your mediocrity.'
Dinku is one of the best nick names I have ever heard.
I’ve had a series of them myself. Nids. Nido. Tiddly winks. Tiddles. Niaji. Mumu. Meemee. Nidu.
Jay’s friends don’t know the first people to call him that were his two sisters!
Both my siblings are quite brilliant. I hope I grow up to be as accomplished as them.
I am still growing up. Probably always will.
Medicine. Literature. Advertising and PR. Computer science. Engineering. Law. Business Administration. Philosophy. Accountancy. Psychology. We’ve done it all, eh?
A Mirror reflects the Candle.
Don't ask me. I'll tell you in my own time.
Please don’t give and give till you give yourself away. Please.
Lucky lucky few find the one. Their best friend. The sharing, likes and dislikes. Mutuality. Vastness. To love someone else more than you love yourself. In reality, not in these words. I hope you all find it.
Take me home, country roads.
Shiny happy people has been my ringtone for 2 years straight.
I'm too laid back and spontaneous for the 10 steps ahead of 'the game' approach.
I have signature bangles.
I like to feel special.
If im looking at your chest its not because im imagining your anatomy without your clothing, its because i find what's written there entertaining.
I am candid like the colour of rays of sunlight passing through rain.
I'll do the harder thing if i ought to. Other than in my academia.
I don't suffer boredom too well.
Driving a misbehaved Mehran in Karachi traffic is one of the banes of my existence.
I love giving and getting presents.
I randomly burst into emo rock lyrics.
I am interested in cliches being personified.
I wear Romance. Please don't twist something trying to figure out the connotations of that, i was merely referring to the perfume.
'Do not bullshit thyself' should be one of the revised commandments.
I think Ralph Finnes' delivery of "This is a very plum plum" in The English Patient is the best description of a fruit i have ever heard.
I'm the quintessential people's person.
I ramble the way she would if if she knew she'd wake up mute the next day.
I am somewhere between la dee da and down to earthyness. With a generous helping of chuckle thrown in.
I am almost 5'10" without my heels and i've stopped leaning down in or standing at the edge of pictures.
I can't be bothered to explain the details of these statements. But trust me there is a spectrum quixotic to grey of sense and whimsy to them.
If i am an inspiration i am worthy.
I try to entertain because who wants to sit around at a shaadi with an endless multititude of boring and or bored people?
I am moved by hope and happening.
I am studying something i find about as interesting as a stagnant cess pool that is home to Phylum-Grossum. With the honourable exception of psychiatry.
I want to make love to music.
I find the time to be opinionated.
I am not quite as random as this about me implies.
I believe ol' Charles in his A-Day-Without-Laughter-Is-A-Day-Wasted.
I have the joy of my family.
To people of the language evolution archaic, i probably seem pompous.
I operate at optimum efficiency in every grammatical form of the word *adore* : adjective, verb, noun.
There is alot of 'I' here but to be truthful, if undoing some of 'I' would uplift someone else's spirit, i would. Superstylin' altruism.
I believe in the individual and i can walk around in your shoes to see what doesn't make you insane. But at the end of the day im returning to my collection of leather and flip flops.
And i'm a pretty open book. If only literacy was more common.
I am the harmony between yin and yang that is fluid yet solid. The result of awareness is that I am understanding, confident, open, peaceful, optimistic, extravagant, funny, adventurous, sincere (and seemingly pompous, haha). Patience and wanting both come to me naturally. I love surprising myself. Philosophy and altruism are integral to me. Along with my sentimentality (which is fortunately rescued from becoming boring by my rather comic timing).
A neutral deity graces my existence through my loved ones and my emotions in rain colours. I believe i have the strength, enthusiasm and wisdom to make this life a comedy, not a tragedy. I live to feel. Ecstasy: Joy my soul light, sorrow my heart cry, care my purpose. True loss is to exist unmoved.
I don't abide settling for less than the sun, the rain and all the seasons i want to breathe in. I don't incline towards mediocrity. I admit i'm not a rock or an island and it isn't necessarily stronger to be so... The only unforgivable sin is to purposely hurt. The earlier fault is to not want to learn and later to presume.
The secret of my smile is that i need and i can give, simultaneously.
It is either the dream, or just reality. The former is worth all its ifs. The latter is merely what happens to everyone.
I am not everyone :)
Exquisiteness lies in the suggestion that we can surprise people. To be capable of inspiring awe in another. That you are still alive, admirable, estimable. That hearts can be given reasons to flip. That the most laudable person can be speechless at the thought of you. That in the push of common existence, a pause can come worth cleaving to.In the middle of a companionable silence after a bout of situational analysis the other day, my mother suddenly turned to me and asked out of the blue how i became the person i am today. That i amaze her. That my life and my decisions are astounding. That lovers and believers are never this balanced between their heart and mind. This blend of realism and romance. Calm and excitement. Logic and emotion.
It made my day. Its been a while since someone perceived me as more than the level of me im 'supposed' to maintain. A lil appreciation can go the extra mile. I wonder if people realise the powers they wield? To be admirable. And to admire. To be adorable. And to adore. The stuff of life. So enriching if you bother. So average if you dont. The best is the most someone can do. Do you?
I replied with credit where it is due. She gave me the ability to think for myself. That i know how to use freedom, intelligence and experience to do and be. Confidence is contagious and born of loving, i thank the Sun for that to a degree wrapped in purple. All this is alot more vast than the paltriness my words express. That we are not alone if we chose. That we have the power to be alone if it should come to pass. To be at peace when we're right. To willingly admit when we're wrong. To be free of taintedness and judgement. That laughter is the best medicine. That those who deserve, get.
That life, after all is said and done... is just a box of chocolates. And i love that i dont know which im gonna get. And you love that you dont know which you're gonna get. That time and chance are flavours to taste. As you move through life. Strolling, shifting, simmering, sprinting, still, surrounded.
These are the two versions of life that i find the most fascinating. Alot of mine swings somewhere in the vast middle ground. Bitter realism. Sweet drifting. Loving it the whole way! Whichever way.
Optimism. Pragmatism. Cynicism. I incline toward the left :)
Trainspotting:
'Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday night. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?'
59th Bridge Street Song:
'Slow down, you move too fast.
You got to make the mornin' last.
Just kickin' down the cobblestones,
Lookin' for fun and feelin' groovy.
Hello, lamppost, whatcha knowin'?
I come to watch your flowers growin'.
Ain'tcha got no rhymes for me?
Doo it doo doo, feelin' groovy.
I got no deeds to do, no promises to keep.
I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep.
Let the morningtime drop all it's petals on me,
Life, I love you, all is groovy!'
Perhaps rain has pleasent associations. It reminds me of my childhood, my family and the mad dash of all cousins and neighbours within shouting distance to their roofs or gardens. To twirl or just stand around laughing pointlessly with our clothes sticking to us and our mothers beaming at our enthusiasm in their benign motherly manner. The smiles on the blades of grass and on the leaves of the trees in our yard. They literally look happy when it rains. And clean. That in itself has connotations aplenty. Its typical of the monsoon storms to hit in the late afternoon. So it transitions from the hot glare of an orange father figure sun to the mellow blur of a grey soothing concept. Its cold because of the drops. Its warm and humid for the temperature in the first few minutes doesnt fall. Rain, my childlike enthusiasm I hold on to. I am alive for it. I run around my house with it.
Perhaps rain is fulfillment. It brings with it the attainment of desires. It doesnt rain enough in Karachi. Its always delicious when it does. Whatever age i may feel. Singing in the rain. Raindrops keep falling on my head. I am in love with music. Getting what you want. I want so much. And it all comes true in the rain. It gives me hope. It is the back drop of an idiosyncrasy between the two. It awashes my mind with the connection between my physical and my mental. Whatever the soul may be. Mine is with the rain. The musical pitter patter. The light sting. The skies alight with streaks. The dimmed vision of the one you're standing right infront of. The scent of the damp earth. The melting mingling of sweetness and clarity with the tongue. Sound. Touch. Sight. Smell. Taste. Those are my senses. Consumated, complete.
Perhaps rain is emotion. Its signifies a change. Velocity. Chance. Excitement. It makes the earthy transcend. It encourages freedom. I would do alot in the rain that i wouldnt divine in the dryness of the crude day. I would take a leap. I stand in the middle of my drive way with the cynic, cluthing both his hands in mine, telling him that i love, i am, the inconceivable. And in the poignant moment, the non believer believes... Rain, inhibitions cant fight with abandonment in watercolour. Candor, you know what i want. Shower upon me my need. Wash away 'i cant'.
What dreams may come, let there be plenty. See through all the talk of whats right. No one supports the dreamer. So i send out a prayer for us all. To the great beyond, God, whoever is out there. Who asks about what matters most to the dreamer? Does anyone? Even while he struggles with mundanity that is bleeding him, cutting deeper than any blade can. No interest to anyone. But to me. Care for the impossible. To make it possible. I am with you. Dont let go. Simple as that.
God. Please?
*Maybe*
Emotion. Laboured breathing. Memory. Bittersweet. Loss. Gain. Down that lane... All the world's a stage and all men mere players. I must've butchered that. Shakespeare was mine, my fingertips knew him well. But its been so long now, the dryness of medicine has sucked that love out of me. Almost. My heart thuds in my chest for the some times in the middle of my surety that a rush of something less worthy pulses in my veins. All players, what do those do who play not? A non role. Play in its most mundane sense of games to win or lose. I cannot think straight. Why? Because i have desires. But i dont indulge in the games people play to get what they desire. Where is that going to lead me? This silk is so cool and smooth on my skin yet it feels like theres a river of tiny round pebbles underneath it, flowing in the opposite direction. Can you hear the soft sound of 's' it makes on it way, caressing my limbs. Silk is like that. It even flows while its still. At times my emotions are similar. Its okay to win and lose. But i dont seem to care. Im too blunt. I like names. I like to name every game i can. I can play. But i dont. It doesnt suit me and i dont suit it. That has something to do with having had enough of growing up in a home of strife and pain. Enough word mincing and careful torture to prove who won, who won. Round thee thousand. I cannot suffer insincerity. Playing in itself doesnt make people insincere. They just seem to become SO used to it that thay can never stop. Even when they come across a soul who they dont need to play with. Who isnt trying to this or that with them. What if you could step into the shoes of that person? The one who goes through life just saying and doing what they feel. What they feel being in tune with their sense of spreading joy. Yes, im back to me again. It would feel something like this tumble of ideals, ideas:
You give and you give and you give yourself away. Make the world a happier place, one good deed at a time. Selflessness. Helping people when they dont even ask for it. The vast majority will not care or appreciate. But it is for you to judge whether putting yourself up for a lack of nourishment is worth that someone you will meet who will recognize you for who you tried to be for all these years, who will be your bridge over troubled water. Whether it is worth it for the satisfaction that you are the kind of person you can love. The former worth and the latter worth blend into my reason. Not selfish. Not selfless. I dont know. Some people are effected by nature. Some by silence. Some by their ambition. Some by music. Some by the people who surround them. I am that last. All the obsession and effect people have on me is my choice and inclination. I am best at that. It is what makes me me. The ease, laughter, companionship, love and sharing. My shoulder has been cried upon.
Through the years you drain, you gain. I drain, i gain. And then one day. Validation. And the joy of a lifetime. Both ways. Tears stream down my face because i write in the throes of throes. Imagine exuberance. Peace. Truth. Luck. Faith. Then imagine having it taken away inexplicably. I dont have the words. I pray that those moments in life that make one lose their sense of self never come my way. I am a vulnerable person. It is my strength that i chose to be so. I hope the world isnt cruel. I wont let it be if i can help it. And when i go the distance, i hope i wont have come to the crossroads that lead me away from innocence. Because honestly, i dont think its human to desire amnesia. To forget the perfection of love, of everything made to fit. Who are those fortunate few who find the one who reciprocates? Can a person give up? I dont want to be a person if thats what people are capable of.
I cant complain. I cant run away. I cant always make sense. I cant be incomplete. I cant flip a switch. I cant let anyone take my free will.
I can feel pity. I can cry. I can laugh. I can be successful. I can go. I can come. I can.
Its terrible how words are not enough. At times. Like right now. I need touch. I wish upon a star. If it falls, if i fall, catch me.
Disclaimer to explain my intent. (Yes, poetic licence aside id prefer you know what im on about. Its habitual :P)Seemingly i write about myself. Actually i write about philosophies. About all i observe. And all i see through the glass pane seperating the Me from the You. That humankind is interesting is the basis of my being. I state no facts other than the fact that i state what i think. I believe Faith is stronger than Luck and Time, if you chose to make things operate thus. Life is too short to be afraid of abstracts. Risks are yours alone to judge and no one else can take them for you. Failure is merely a part of experience to treasure. When all is said and done, if i can make things happen, living TO experience is all i care for. I admit i love cliché’s as long as they let me chose them as i please. And hate them norms disguised as whispers you cant find the source of when you turn to look for them: be like everyone else, sane, safe, okay, SO okay... that you're normal, just normal. How DARE you round pegs walk around in a square land? Most people are merely slaves to what their minds can conceive. It’s the next level of being to go beyond your self. I respect that. I dont underestimate. I dont misunderstand. I. I. I. My sense of self is well evolved, but not so that it over rules my principle of being for the people and ideals i love. The big bad 'forever' does not effect me in a big bad way. Afterall, the time-space theories are set up by scientists to explain the workings of the universe on logic alone. Practicality and logic arent always at war with emotions and beliefs in the world of black and white, you and I, here and there, stitch and tear. Does it make a person pompous or precious to believe in themselves as much as i do? Flip sides. I consider myself fortunate that im not all consumed with making sense of that which needs a 3 year old's innocent spontaniety, arm flailing and twirling around in pajamas and flip flops on its balcony while conservativism shouts to stop it this instant! Before anyone sees how little I care for being anyone other than me. I dont abide settling for less than the rain, the sun and all the seasons i want to breathe in. I dont convince myself that im satisfied with being ordinary in comparison to being extra ordinary just because one is safer. Obstacles pile up at times despite my best efforts. At these times i have no qualms admitting i am not a rock or an island and i think it isnt neccessarily stronger to be so... As a peoples’ person my shoes have been many: mine and yours and theirs. From the ashes of despair i arise in peace. Yes *satisfied purr*The secret of my smile is that i need and i can give. Simultaneously :)Life taught me there is no extremity of right or wrong, weak or strong. Life taught me its just not THAT big a deal all the time. Life taught me im not being tested on perfection and that reward and punishment aren't the only ways to 'make' everything fit. Life taught me people will not love you for who you are but what you do that makes them love themselves just a little more. Life taught me the rarity of finding love, appreciation and sharing. That even once, its enough to know. And i already know. I can teach you. Because i still want to learn. The only magic is in knowing no one knows everything. And Caring. There isnt enough of that left to spread over the bread. Blessed are those who have the butter. It is either the dream, or just reality. The former is worth all its ifs. The latter is merely what happens to everyone. I am not everyone.
How do you try to kill something you love?
By knowing its weakness well enough. By making it impossible for it to come to life ever again.
Why do you try to kill something you love?
To save it from a worse fate... As i heard and hated all the years of my obedience telling me. Love is protecting that which you love. Putting it in a cage to lock out the bad guys.
Why do you assume you know best?
Because i do what all my senses tell me is right. For another, I am selfless. How can that not be the best?
Why do you hunt a thing you cant gather?
It wasnt a hunt afterall. I didnt gather afterall. Maybe i didnt know it wasnt an animal to be killed. And now... Now its over.
Who do you think you are?
The voice of reason. The voice of love. The voice of impatience and perfection in one.
Can you face the waves, the rain and the pain... for the gain?
No i dont think i can. Because some things are better left alone and undone.
Do you know you are not all knowing?
I will not grace that with an answer. Its too immature.
Who is this?
This is the dream.
What if you find out everything you un-did could be re-done?
I dont think that it can. And if it does. It'll end later if not sooner. So why bother?
What if i start answering instead of you?
You shouldnt. You cant.
Yes i can. CAN. and WILL. I live in a world of 'will's and wonders. Not 'wont's.
Can you accept you may be wrong?
Yes. But i dont operate alone, so my being off the mark would mean alot of people are. Which is possible, yes.
Do you believe in forever?
*laughs* Yes. But it does not go by in one state. Good times. Bad times.
Do you believe in faith or logic?
Both. With practicality.
What is love?
I think love is accepting a person for who they are, not who it is that makes me feel good about me and what i want, accepting another's right to chose. Even if its not something i want for them. The only possession in love is the kind i want. Togetherness.
What is time?
Something that passes. Time means little to me. Because. I already know.
What is perfection?
Everything from one thing. Expecting that. Nothing contains everything. That includes all strengths, flips and weaknesses too.
What is truth?
That which you tell to the one you trust completely. It is what you base your life on. What i base my life on. What gives me understanding.
What is the point of this questionnaire?
Wait, didn't i just state nothing is perfect? Fuck if i know the point.
Did you just curse at this lifeless question!
Yeah, why not? IM ONLY HUMAN.
Jeez, don't you have the patience to explain?
Maybe not. People have a propensity for assuming they know everything. And for not being able to turn time when it still can be. The future's a vast playground we can work in, run in, play in, with each other. Thats very hard to explain unless you can shake some sense into them. Hence the helplessness. Of all the wise who love the fool. And all the fools who love the wise.
Time heals all wounds. Yet. Truth stands the test of time. My paradox is purple and fluid. And prevails in my presence, in my love.
